The Fear

I've been so scared to start, I plan and plan and plan. I make notes for concepts and motifs and all sorts of things that are very interesting, but the problems is I have ideas constantly, all (well that's pushing it a bit) many could be developed and worked on and they fire about in my skull all day and, most annoyingly just as I'm drifting off to sleep. Do I wake myself up and write them down or trust that they're so incisive I'll remember? These days I tell myself that since this I have a backlog, if it's that good I'll remember it and if I don't, to hell with it.

Anyway, my point is to start, to begin and not in a little notebook or sketchbook. This approach is not for me right now, that's too easy and too much like the preparation I've come to use as a crutch, I've done enough of that. When I was doing my A' Levels my teacher complained that I didn't prepare enough, he could tell I'd done my "prep" work afterward to meet the criteria, he had no problem with the finished pieces, just that he had no idea how I'd gotten there. Most of the time if I had done any draft work, I'd throw it away so there was no evidence that I did "rough" work, I didn't want anyone to think I ever did anything that wasn't to a very high standard, sorry I mean perfect (I think I believed that was actually possible at the time). I missed out on some of the thinking that's generated when working practically. Maybe I realised then, that if I think too much, I'll think myself out of doing things, so I decided to jettison the preparatory drafts, and perhaps missed out on something in the process. That was 12 years ago and now I've gone totally the other way. But instead of rough work there are pages and pages of notes and musings and occasional sketches, doodles and repeat patterns. And much fewer paintings.

I've come to rely on reading about all manner of things relating to what I want to convey and that has got in the way a bit. I can be a bit literal at times, I've been running this way and that forgetting that in reading and researching, (which I would never jettison) by osmosis my work will change and be as influenced as I am. I'd also dabbled with graphics in a very rigid way, ignoring the fact that I could incorporate text and design into a fine art portfolio without having to change my professional identity to fit the method. I had wanted to be concrete where I never had before, really I want to create mood and representations of people and of fluid ideas that are mutable, gently humourous at times and intelligently beautiful.

Well, I'm starting,...again.